Why we gossip
According to Google, gossip is “casual or unconstrained conversation or reports about
other people, typically involving details that are not confirmed as being
true.”
The bible talks about how a
gossip goes down to our innermost parts (Proverbs 18:8). Gossip is also
mentioned in Paul’s list of sins from Romans 1. So we know we shouldn’t do it.
The problem is that it is such a shady
sin. Differentiating between what is gossip and what is not is half the battle.
I would take Google’s definition
a little further: Sharing something that is not beneficial, information that puts
a person in a bad light (even if the information is true, but if the
information is not necessary), is gossip.
So sad… A juicy tidbit gone to waste. Well, not
really. That juicy tidbit could be filled with poison. There are plenty of
people who would prefer a severe beating of sticks and stones over the words
that have maimed them emotionally.
“Our strength is our weakness,” my mother says.
Often, a person who likes to gossip has a strong sense of compassion. We want
to help, but we get enticed in the process. We want to know, and then we know
too much. We want to communicate, but then we talk too much.
Why does a gossip go down to a
person’s innermost parts? What makes us love a good juicy tidbit so much? These
desires often come from dissatisfaction or disappointment. We seek to soothe
our own insecurities or hurt feelings by demeaning others. Perhaps we even look
for opportunities to fix problems in our lives by gathering information—that
may or may not be helpful.
When we add negative comments about
someone who has offended us, it feels like an analgesic. It is therapeutic to
gossip. It releases tension that we hold inside.
Perhaps in our subconscious, we
actually want to cause damage to someone who has hurt us, and gossiping
satisfies that base human desire.
In the Sermon on the Mount from
Matthew 5, Jesus grabs a few sins by the root:
21 “You have heard that it
was said to those of old, ‘You shall not murder; and whoever murders will be
liable to judgment.’ 22 But I say to you that everyone who is angry
with his brother[c] will be liable to
judgment…..
27 “You have heard that it
was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’ 28 But I say to you that
everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed
adultery with her in his heart.
Jesus goes deeper than identifying sin. He penetrates
the heart, where anger and lust reside. A decision to murder doesn’t happen
overnight. Adultery starts long before you find yourself in a bed that is not
your own with a person who is not your spouse. “It’s a slow fade” (Casting
Crowns).
So what do you think Jesus would say about
gossip?
“You
have heard that it was said: do not gossip. But I tell you do not have an evil
desire about someone in your heart…” or maybe “But I tell you do not open your
mouth to speak unless you have something good to contribute, or unless you are
speaking the truth in love.”
I
don’t know. The truth is, Jesus didn’t directly address the issue of gossip in
the Bible. But I know that like all sin, it is a heart issue.
Two other motivations to gossip are
curiosity and a love of drama. Against my better wishes, I am one of those who slows
down on the interstate to take a closer look at the wreck. I am the person who
will see someone hurting and ask what is wrong. Sometimes it is because I care
deeply. But sometimes, if I am brutally honest with myself, it is because I am
just plain curious. What is it that makes us enjoy other people’s problems? Why
do we like to see a movie or read a book filled with drama? At our very core,
perhaps our number one battle has just been identified. Perhaps along with asking
God to help us resist gossiping, we need to ask Him to remove the evil weed of drama need.
If we don’t gossip, what are we
supposed to talk about? Huh. Well, perhaps that is a problem worth having. I’m
pretty sure we can trust God to provide good, wholesome conversation topics.
Boring you say? Do you trust Him? He is able.
OR WE CAN JUST ENJOY THE QUIET.
Consider the way the Bible tells stories in the
Old Testament. In Genesis 19, Lot had sex with both of his daughters because
they wanted to continue the family line. They got their father drunk to make
sure that the necessary actions took place. The facts are presented, and you
can do with them what you wish. None of this “rumour has it” stuff. Sorry
Adele.
You can read about Amnon and
Tamar, David and Bathsheba, the Levite and his concubine, and much more “R”
rated material in the Bible. But it is presented in such a factual way that a
pre-teen could read the story and simply accept it for what it is. It doesn’t
give us any “juicy” details. There is no over dramatization or over emotionalization.
The Bible is relating facts to
us. So if we are relating necessary facts, I do not
believe that we are gossiping. But let’s face it: half the time, we do NOT NEED
to be relating anything at all.
Proverbs
19:10: Too much talk leads to sin. Be sensible and keep your mouth
shut.
(NLT)
The Bible has MUCH to say about
taming the tongue, especially in the book of James: it can set the whole body
on fire, just by one small spark. (James 3:5)
The best weapon I have against
gossip is to SHUT UP. To silence the deadly force that is my mouth. To be the
person in a group that stands there and says NOTHING. This is hard for me. I
LOVE talking and telling stories.
Yet when I keep my tongue from
wagging, I learn interesting and edifying things that the quiet person in the
group contributes.
What about when we get stuck with
a person or group who is gossiping? Perhaps they are sharing news that is
probably true but makes someone look very bad. Perhaps they are revealing information
that you are sure the target would never want shared. First of all, BEWARE of
such individuals. In all likelihood, you will make their top ten list one day.
Don’t kid yourself and think that by listening you become exempt.
If there is a large group around,
perhaps walking away is the best bet. However, we have all been in situations
where we are carpooling, at a restaurant, or in someone’s home, where frankly,
it would be vey awkward just to pick up and leave.
BUT MAYBE IT’S STILL THE RIGHT THING.
I’ll never forget when Mom and
Dad made us walk out of the theater during the movie “Who Framed Roger Rabbit.”
I’m SO glad they did. I learned that THIS IS AN OPTION: I CAN LEAVE. That
lesson was worth every bit of the ticket prices.
It doesn’t matter how
embarrassing it is to resist sin. It is always the right thing to do.
When I find myself talking to
someone who is clearly revealing things that are better left unsaid, I consider
four options:
1: Say “Hey, that sounds kinda gossipy, huh?” (YIKES!!!!)
2: Change the subject.
3: Say positive things about the person being spoken of.
4: Gossip. Just join right in and add my two cents worth.
Honestly, even though it has
crossed my mind multiple times, I have never chosen Option 1—except maybe with
my husband and children. I chose between 2,3, and --to my shame—4 (this last
one more often than I care to admit). Option 1 would work, but would I have to
sacrifice a friendship in the process? Maybe that would be for the best… Ugh. I know I need to be willing to make
sacrifices for Jesus. Oh Lord, make me strong! Please! Help me to be willing!
Even if Option 1 doesn’t cause my
friendship to be sacrificed, I can definitely throw what remains of my cool
factor out the window (if I had one in the first place. Ha!). Maybe that needs
to happen, too.
I need to trust God to
give me wisdom in every situation.
While we lived in Colorado, I
took index cards with bible verses regarding talking too much and taped them around
the house where my phones were located. Memorizing scripture and prayer are two
of the best weapons to fight sin.
Recently, someone posted on FB an
article about the socially acceptable sin: gluttony. I would say that gossip is
also socially accepted.
Lord, help us. Help us to keep
fighting even when the enemy seems too strong. Help us never to give up and
give in to this socially acceptable sin. Man looks at the outside, but God looks
at the heart (1 Samuel 16:7). God sees the darkness there. Create in us a clean
heart, Oh God (Psalm 51:10).
