“God has overestimated me”, a friend once
said.
We cannot parent
the right way without God’s help. Based on that belief, I believe that the
number one, most important thing that we can do to raise our children the right
way is PRAY. Praying is more important than being consistent, than reading to
your child, more important than teaching them to say “yes, ma’am” or “no ma’am”,
more important than limiting their screen time, more important than their
education, more important than protecting them.
The more
lessons I learn in parenting, the more I see my deficiencies. I have learned to
be wary of the words “never” and “always”.
Based on my
own childhood experiences, I thought that I would never send my kid to a
private school… Never let them play football… Never let them go over 3 hours of
screen time per day... Never let them have more than one dessert per day… Never let them have soda more than once or
twice a week…
Some never
want to send their child to a public school; others never want to homeschool.
Some of us determine to go to church regularly with our children, others do not
want their children to travel out of state with the youth group, or on overseas
missions. Some never want to let them see an R rated movie, or get a tattoo.
Some families have decided not to spank, and there are so many reasons behind
the decision. For some, they experienced abuse as a child, and do not want to
go anywhere near that with their children. I respect that.
However, we need
to be careful that our parenting decisions are empowering, not crippling. If we
are simply withholding spankings out of fear of damaging your child, there is a
chance that although you are sparing your child physical abuse, your child
could suffer from being under-disciplined.
Just like so
many other gray areas, unless Jesus specifically addresses it in the bible, or
we have heard from the Holy Spirit on a certain matter, it is just very
difficult to make hard and fast rules.
This brings me to the article
at hand: Not letting your child sleepover at friends’ houses.
Might there
be exceptions to every rule that we set with our children? Also, what are our
motivations? Those of us that desire to protect our children at all cost, is
that what God wants? Those of us that desire to expose our children to the
world and give them more freedom, is that what God wants?
I think the
best question that we can ask ourselves is “What does God want for my
children?” Better yet… What does God
want? PERIOD. We spend so much time thinking about our children that we forget
to actually think about God. Instead of just going to Him, we go with an
agenda: our kids.
As I re-read
the article again today, and also many of your comments, I came to an
appreciation of both what the author is saying and his approach. He is not
accusatory, forceful or dogmatic, but rather instructive, open and honest about
his beliefs. He is presenting what he believes is right for his family. I do
not think that his intent is to imply that in his opinion, everyone should be
like him and do as he says.
Certain
truths are absolute: the truths surrounding Jesus, the bible, the Holy Spirit,
and our response in faith. However, other truths can vary from family to
family. I know a family that has recently decided to home school. I believe
that this is what God wanted them to do, for reasons that they considered
heavily. For my family, I believe that at the currently moment, it is not God’s
will for us to homeschool. Our children seem to be thriving in their
environments. Having said that: might there come a day when we should consider
it? Perhaps. “Never say never”, I have learned. As long as God is in charge of
our lives, we really can’t predict what might change from one day to the next.
But certain
things should not change. As Don and I have discussed this article together,
one conclusion that we have come to, that we feel like we can hold onto hard
and fast: BE WATCHFUL and PAY ATTENTION to your children.
In the past,
I have asked my kids explicit questions after going out on a date and leaving
them with a babysitter. Questions such as: did you go potty by yourself? Did she
help you? Did you feel uncomfortable at all while Mommy and daddy were gone?
Questions about touching, etc…
As I am
typing this, Caleb is watching a cartoon called “Zig and Sharko”. It is a
little more “grown-uppy” than I am used to him watching. There is a mermaid
creature who dresses like, well, Ariel I guess. I need to be vigilant and pay
attention to his reaction to the different episodes. If something seems to
bother him, perhaps this is a good opportunity to ask questions, and if
necessary, not watch it anymore.
When we
lived in Wilmore, KY, our family was far away, and I was pregnant with Caleb.
We knew that we would need to rely on friends during my delivery. In
preparation for the birth, we allowed our older two sons to go to a friend’s
house (where they were to stay if I went into labor) as a “practice sleep over”
of sorts. During that practice, our baby came! The Lord provided those friends
who were willing to host my children. He knew when Caleb was coming, and He
prepared us. If we had been overly determined not to let our children sleep
over, that could have been a very stressful time for us.
I know that
this is a dramatic exception, and that most of you who do not allow sleepovers
would allow for exceptions such as these. But it is worth considering: why do we
do what we do? What are our motivations? Are we convicted in a godly way? Or in
a worldly one? Both neglect and overprotection have the capacity of
damaging our children. Think about a child wanting to spend the night so badly
with a friend, and being denied that opportunity year after year. Isn’t there a
danger of him/her going “off the deep end” in college because of feeling stifled
and trapped as a child? What if by “going of the deep end”, the child--now
adult-- goes through all sorts of sexual abuse?
In the words
of Dory, from Finding Nemo: “If you never let anything happen to him, nothing
will ever happen to him”.
Having said
that, many of you have convinced me of the need to be extremely wary of
sleepovers. Last year at this time, I was lamenting to Don that our children
never get asked to sleepover at friends’ houses. I am now very grateful for
this fact. I can count on the fingers of one hand the houses that we have
allowed them to go within the recent past. Perhaps God was protecting our boys.
It is chilling to think about what could and does go on behind closed doors.
Jody, you specifically mentioned the availability of danger via internet that
is so prevalent now. I agree with you. Don and I have talked about how although
the number of pedophiles may not be bigger now than it was 30 years ago, the
access to inappropriate images is what has grown. Don pointed out that our
society seems to be more openly sexualized than it was before.
Jon Scott,
to your comment, I, like you, also grow weary of Dobson’s harping on the
downfall of our society. I do not think that it is wise to lament over the “good
ole days”.
Another
comment that was convicting to me was the one from Stephanie: she points out
that much of the sexual abuse does not happen at sleepovers, but rather during
the day! We cannot be too vigilant…
again: PRAY PRAY PRAY! AND be aware. We must be our child’s advocate and
be willing to fight for him/her. Protect them to the best of our ability.
I do realize
that some of the reason that the article author does not allow sleepovers is because
of more than just the possibility of sexual abuse. And I applaud his wisdom.
“Trust in
the LORD with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding. In all
your ways, acknowledge Him, and He will keep your paths straight.” Prov 3:5-6.
May we seek
Him in all things and not lean on our own understanding. May we acknowledge
over and over again that we do NOT have all of the answers. Only God does.
I agree with
so many of the comments. And I truly appreciate each and every one of you
taking the time. I have learned more from this facebook post than perhaps any
other, thanks to you all.
Feel free to
add more!
And God
bless all of us as we try to seek Him in every decision.
